The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
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Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
The pen is writier than the sword.