Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
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*googles how the hell I ended up here*
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
My spirit animal is fried chicken
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.