If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
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Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
What even happened today?
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching: