How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
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Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
それは草
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.