teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
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BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
Hear me out: his and hers houses.