Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
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I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.