“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
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Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
Look at this
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
This meal prepping shit easy
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave