*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
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Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.