I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
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I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos