“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
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I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.