Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
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Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
i love modern commerce
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
That’s it.I’m out.
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]