When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
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It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.