Catercrombie & Fish
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Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
Gross if literal…Liverpool
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!