My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
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Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!