Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
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I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave