I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
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Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side