How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
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BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options