I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
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What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
My god she’s good.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
😩😩😩
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.