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Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.