someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
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It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
Who did it better?
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.