No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
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HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.