Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
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my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.