[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
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Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
Weirdly Wednesday.
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook