An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
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If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever