Animal poetry
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Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
Tremendous stuff
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?