Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
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hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
What?!?
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help