me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
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Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
I can also cook 😂
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos