interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
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A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.