doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
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[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.