*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
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flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
Care for your back
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
Knock Knock
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints