Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
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Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect