I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
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I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon