to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
You Might Also Like
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?