[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
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[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
I’d … I’d rather not.
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.