I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
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“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.