I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
You Might Also Like
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.