“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
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I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.