When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
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What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
🤣🤣🤣
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all