Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
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My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
sounds kinky. i’m in.
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you