According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
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You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
consequences, the bane of my existence
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.