Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
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“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
Not my job 😂
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
The three genders
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
what
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
still the best tweet of the year by far
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.