You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
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All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
remember
only for emergencies
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”