So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
You Might Also Like
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
Anyone really
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.