I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
You Might Also Like
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
me hooking up with my ex
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
Can’t. Being lazy.
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.