my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
You Might Also Like
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
catch me on valentine’s day like
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.