If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
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Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
Bloody internet 😳
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?