My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
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About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
You have been warned.
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes