Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
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Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
Optional boss fight.
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them