HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
You Might Also Like
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*