Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
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‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse